Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
