I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
