What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize