I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
