i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
