i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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