I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
