I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
