Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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