Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
