its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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