Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize