Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
