You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I don't deserve a penis
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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