I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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