never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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