wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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