If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
