My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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