I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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