oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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