My cat gives me a boner
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
