Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
