You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
