Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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