Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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