grandma shit on top of the toilet
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize