Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
