I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My vagina is officially offended.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
