Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
