never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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