remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
