I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
