Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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