did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize