I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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