I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
