Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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