Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
