get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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