You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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