dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
