Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
