I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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