I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
