his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
