speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
