Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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