I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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