No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
