some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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