the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
