why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
wow bdsm is so cute
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
