First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
BRING THE BAGELS
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
