My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize