That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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