Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
