Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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