My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
