Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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