; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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