Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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