tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize