When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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