the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
