the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize