I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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