I have demons in me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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