I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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