You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
