theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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