Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
