I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
