I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
