Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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