Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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