genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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