you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
