A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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