I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
