I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize